Let me preface this by saying I know that I am very blessed and I know there are many people that have it much worse than I do. (Those of you that have to endure 12+ month deployments, my heart goes out to you.) With that being said, I try to keep this blog real and not gloss things over, so I tell it like it is.
For the past few days, I’ve been having a rough time. I’ve been having to deal with things that I just don’t want to deal with, especially by myself. I’ve heard many times about how you lose your filter when you’re pregnant, and I find myself having the urge to really tell people exactly what I think, no matter what the consequences are. And I’m letting things that normally wouldn’t bug me as much, bug me a lot, thanks to my crazy hormones.
On top of that, I’ve been in a LOT of pain lately due to my SPD. I bought a belt to wear when I’m going to be walking a lot and it has helped, but my SPD is still getting worse, and it will continue to do so until after baby boy is born (3.5 months from now..). I’ve been going to a chiropractor and my hips/pelvis/lower back are out of alignment. He said that my pelvic ligaments are so loose, all the surrounding muscles are having to work overtime to try to keep things in place. He did some deep tissue massage on me and it hurt SO bad. But he basically said that there’s nothing he can do to fix anything that’s going to last long term. He can keep getting me back in alignment, but it won’t last more than a week or two. Since he adjusted me on Monday, I’ve been having a lot of lower back pain, along with my pelvic pain. Sometimes my pelvic pain is so bad, I have a really hard time getting out of bed and it takes me a good 3-5 minutes just to get to a standing position from laying down in bed. Not exactly my idea of fun. And being in pain most of the time is exhausting.
I miss my husband. It’s been almost 5 months since I’ve seen him and quite honestly, I’m just tired of this. It’s been great being at home and seeing all my friends and having all the help my parents have given me with Abbie. But this isn’t my home. I miss my stuff and my house and my comfort zone and my husband. I’m just over this whole deployment and I’m ready to get back to my life. I’m tired of writing my husband 1-6 emails a day (yes, sometimes I do actually email him that much). I want to be able to talk to him at night before we go to sleep instead of email him. I want to wake up in the middle of the night and know he’s beside me instead of habitually checking my email from my phone to see if he’s emailed me back yet. (Yes, I do that multiple times a night too.) I’m tired of sending him pages long emails telling him everything cute (or not so cute) his daughter did that day so he doesn’t feel like he’s completely out of the loop. I want him to be able to watch her grow up in person, instead of through the emails, photos and videos I send him daily. I’m just really ready to have my husband back.
I’ve been struggling with the weight I’m gaining with this baby. I’ve gained about 17lbs so far, and according to my midwife today, that’s perfectly fine and right on track. However, I feel huge. I look back on pictures of when I was 8+ months pregnant with Abbie and I am disgusted by what I see, and I’m terrified I’m going to be looking like that again soon. It doesn’t at all help that our squadron in Italy is basically full of very athletic, in-shape people who run marathons and work out all the time. I see the girls talking about buying cute homecoming outfits for when the guys get home and I just feel like I’m going to show up looking like the fat girl. I am very thankful to be pregnant and I obviously wouldn’t change that for all the cute outfits in the world, but it does bother me. I’d love to be active, by this stupid SPD prevents me from even walking at times. And if I do go for a walk, I usually pay for it the next day.
The thing that amazes me, is that even though my husband is 7000 miles away from me, he is still able to 100% provide for me the support I need. He always seems to know exactly what to say to make me feel better and he makes me feel like I’m not in this completely alone, even though he’s not physically around me. He listens to me vent, and doesn’t just give the typical guy responses, which usually involve a lot of “uh-huh’s” and “yeah’s”. He asks questions and helps me sort through my emotions and come up with solutions and I usually feel 95% better just by talking things over with him. I just can’t wait until I can hug him and forget that the rest of the world even exists.