Sometimes I think my mom and I are from different planets. There are a few things we just don’t see eye to eye on at all, as in we’re not even looking in the same direction let alone seeing different angles of one thing. Last year before I miscarried J’s twin, I was freaking out a bit about the logistics of having twins and having 4 kids and wondering how I was going to feed them or sleep for the first few months of their lives. I asked my mom if she would come out for 4-6 weeks to help me get on my feet after they were born and her exact words were “I don’t want to put my life on hold for that long.” …..Okay. Well then. What do you even say to that? To say it pissed me off and hurt my feelings a LOT is a vast understatement.
My parents are talking about coming to visit this summer. Mark is going to be gone for 3 weeks at the end of the summer and I said it would be great if you’d come out then so I’d have help with the kids and dogs. She basically told me they didn’t want to come out when Mark isn’t there because they want to see him too. I try to put myself in her shoes and think what I would do if Abbie was ever in my position and asked me to come out to help her with my grandkids and I cannot imagine me ever saying “Yeah… No… I don’t want to come see you unless your husband is there.” Period. Dot. I would never, ever say that to her. I told my mom later that that really bothered me and she said well Mark’s our son too now and we love him and we want to see him too. Yes, great, glad you like him so much, but still? You don’t see ANYTHING wrong with you not wanting to come out unless Mark is here? I told her that Mark would feel better if they came out when he was gone too since he’d know I’d have help and not be juggling everything by myself for almost a month and then it turned in to “Well fine. If he doesn’t want to see us then we’ll just come whenever.” Really? That’s what you just got from that? It has nothing to do with Mark not wanting to see you. It’s about his priorities being in the right place. He’d feel better knowing I had help versus him getting to see my parents, but my mom just doesn’t see it like that at all, which is so incredibly frustrating to me.
And then it turned in to “Well I’ll just come out by myself to help you with the kids and your dad will stay home.” Why? Because he only wants to see Mark too? She said well what’s he going to do if he comes out and Mark’s not there? Oh… I don’t know… Maybe see his DAUGHTER and his GRANDKIDS????? Hello? And then she said well he doesn’t want to just come out and work the whole time. I said that’s fine. He doesn’t have to work on the house or anything at all! I don’t care if he doesn’t. And she said well what’s he going to do then? You know he likes to have lists of things to do. He wants to come out and help Mark with things around the house. …. So… he wants to come out to work, but only if Mark is around to work with?
I don’t know what frustrates me more, the fact that she says these things, or the fact that she sees absolutely nothing wrong with what she’s saying. MARK’S mom has volunteered to come out before when Mark wasn’t around to help me with the kids but my own mom acts like I’m putting her out suggesting they visit when Mark is TDY. I hope to God I never make Abbie or any of my kids feel like I’m inconveniencing them if they ask for help, and I certainly hope I never make them feel like their spouse is more important to me than they are. I’m glad my parents like Mark so much, obviously, but I just don’t get their rational sometimes. When I first told her about this TDY he has to go on she said “Oh good. Well we’ll go visit Mark while he’s down there then.” Perfect. You go visit Mark while he’s on a tdy and I’ll be here by myself with everyone else. Have fun with that.
My parents are great and they help us so much with everything – the kids, the house, advice, etc. When they are here, my mom is a HUGE help with the kids and cooking and housework and my dad helps a ton with the house and the cars and the yard and the dog and everything else. We love it when they visit and I wish almost every day that they lived a hell of a lot closer than they do. But then these types of things get said and it makes me mad and it hurts my feelings and it makes me feel like we don’t even speak the same language. It’s really frustrating and I wish I could just let it go, but I have issues with that. I can handle the kids and everything by myself while Mark’s gone. That’s fine. I just wish they didn’t make it seem like seeing him is more important than helping/seeing me.