I've been feeling particularly anxious about this pregnancy with the twins. It's not at all like me to want to withhold exciting news like this from my friends, but I have been a little hesitant to tell people that I'm pregnant with twins, for fear that something happens to one of them.
Last night was a squadron coffee. Some of the girls I'm closer to in the squadron already knew I was pregnant with twins. I told a few more people, and then had a few people that I didn't tell approach me about it, so I know the news is traveling fast. Which is fine, I don't really care, but it made me anxious. The squadron commanders wife wanted to announce that I was pregnant with twins to everyone and I asked her not to because I wasn't ready for that. A few people that knew I was pregnant asked me how things are going and I had to say that I don't really know. I know things were great at 7.5 weeks but now it's 3 weeks later and this early in the first trimester, you really don't know. I haven't had any cramping or bleeding, so that's a good sign, but not a guarantee that everything is fine.
A few of the girls told me to call my doctor and just ask for an extra ultrasound if I was worried about it. So this morning I finally got enough guts to call my doctor and ask for an ultrasound before my scheduled appointment next week. I felt like an idiot asking her but she humored me and said come on in.
She found baby A right away. Baby A was very clear and showed up great on the ultrasound. You could see it's little arms and legs flailing all over the place and it's heart rate was a strong 176bpm. She mentioned something about both sacs still looking good and then she looked for baby B. And she looked... and looked... and looked. You could see a very faint outline occasionally of something, but it was nothing like baby A. She kept saying she couldn't get a clear view of baby B. She looked for the heart beat once, but couldn't find it. After about 5-10 mins she said she wanted to try a vaginal u/s to see if she could see it better, but I had a full bladder so she couldn't see anything that way. So she went back to prodding around on my stomach and then finally said that from what she could tell baby B stopped growing at 8w4d and she couldn't find a heartbeat. But then she went on to say she never really got a clear shot of it and that the portable machine she was using isn't the most accurate or reliable so she wanted me to go get a second scan to confirm what she thought.
So it's been a rough day, to say the least. The thing that is mostly throwing me for a loop is that I basically knew where both of the twins were before she even did the scan. I swear I can feel the little baby movement flutters occasionally, and they were both right where I've been feeling them. And I've felt baby B in the last few weeks, which doesn't match up if it stopped growing at 8w4d. Maybe I'm hallucinating and I'm not actually feeling them. Maybe baby A is somehow moving so much that it's making baby B move. Maybe baby B stopped growing a lot later than she thought and she just couldn't get a good enough view of it to make an accurate estimate. I don't know what it is, but this definitely sucks. I go back and forth between not wanting to get my hopes up that the conclusion was wrong because I don't want to be that disappointed all over again, to wanting to hold out hope that it was wrong and that both babies are still okay. It's kind of a fine line that I've jumped over many times in the past few hours.
My next ultrasound is tomorrow morning. I am putting Ben in daycare for a few hours (he was with me today, running his toy car all over the table as I was laying there getting the ultrasound done) and I think Mark will be able to go with me this time.
And the irony of it all is today is October 15th - Infant and pregnancy loss awareness/remembrance day.