I’ve been in a bad mood for quite a while now. I just seem to be in this funk that I can’t seem to shake.
I found out today that the squadron deploying before Mark’s is going for longer than we originally aniticipated, which means Mark will probably deploy for longer than we originally anticipated too. Yay. So he’ll most likely be gone 10 out of 16 months including his TDY’s and deployments.
This sucks. I hate being alone. I hate being a single parent. I feel that marriage is a companionship and it’s really hard to be someone’s companion when they’re in a different country than you are more than they’re with you. I was talking to a friend tonight, who’s husband is in Mark’s squadron, and she said it’s like we live two separate lives, one when our husbands are around, and a completely different one when they’re gone. And it is completely different when they’re gone. You just kind of go into survival mode and wait for the next phone call or email from them.
I get really angry about him being gone so much. I just want to scream and yell and say it’s not fair, but it wouldn’t do any good, and there’s no one here to listen anyway. I get jealous that these TDY’s are like summer camp for the guys. They always have someone around to talk to or hang out with. They all eat together, they share rooms, they work together, they work out together, they play x-box and basketball and soccer together, they watch movies together, they always have someone to keep them company, and I’m here by myself, night after night, week after week, soon to be month after month. They don’t have to worry about caring for kids, buying groceries, paying bills, taking care of animals, fixing cars, etc. They don’t have to worry about kids waking up 2 times a night and then not napping at all. (Thank you Abbie. Let’s hope tonight and tomorrow are better.) They don’t have to worry about anything except doing their job and then relaxing with everyone else after work.
I really, really wish I was the type of person who didn’t care so much that they’re gone a lot, and I wish I dealt with it better, but I’m having a rough time with it now. Sometimes all I can think about are these dreaded separations.
One of the other wives came over today and she said she missed her husbands touch, and the security she feels when he’s around and I almost started to cry right then and there. There’s just nothing in the world that can replace your husband or the way he makes you feel just by his presence.
I really miss you Mark.