Monday, May 10, 2010

A hot mess

I don’t know what my deal is this weekend, but I’ve been a hot mess.  Okay, well I partially know what my deal is, and I partially know what’s causing it, but geesh…

Friday was not a good day in general, except for when Mark gave me the orchid.  On Friday I learned that one of my good friends from high school was murdered by her boyfriend.  I hadn’t seen her in 10 years, since we graduated, but we’d kept in touch through Facebook and emails.  If we had flow out of Baltimore, we were planning on getting together for dinner, but that didn’t happen.  She was 5 months pregnant and he apparently strangled her to death.  The thought just makes me sick to my stomach and it’s been in the back (and front) of my mind all weekend.  I hope that guy rots in hell.

On top of that, at the First Friday, Mark’s commander started talking about all the times they’ll be gone and the deployment.  They added 2 weeks onto their TDY this fall, so he’ll be gone 7+ weeks then.  And I guess they haven’t completely ruled out the 6 month deployment like I thought they had.  And he said that a 4 month deployment means they’ll be gone about 5.5 months with travel times and all that stuff, and a 6 month deployment means they’ll be gone closer the 7.5 months.  Yay.  I could handle 4 months.. Maybe.  But 7.5 months??  I cry every. single. time I think about him being gone that long.  I told him it was a good thing he was around for most of Abbie’s 1st year, because it sounds like he’s going to be gone the majority of her 2nd and 3rd years.  I was a hot mess for a month before Mark left for survival training and he was only gone 3 weeks, so I guess it stands to reason that I’m already a hot mess about him deploying.  I’ve known this was coming for 5+ years, but now that it’s up close and personal, I’m having a tough time dealing with it.  Mark is who keeps me sane, and who I look forward to spending time with every  day.  I can’t wait for him to get home when he’s been gone for 7 HOURS, how on earth am I going to deal with him being gone for 7+ MONTHS??  That’s the majority of a year.  Now I get all teary-eyed every time I say goodbye to him, even if it’s just him going to work for the day.  I think I was crying in church yesterday more than I wasn’t.  Between it being Mother’s Day and seeing mom’s there by themselves, and seeing other women cry, and having a guy sing this song about the importance of mothers to his wife who was in the first row and HIM crying, and thinking about Mark not being here next Mother’s Day and thinking about my baby growing up too fast…  *sighs*  I’m falling apart at the seams.  Luckily Mark is here to keep me together, for now.


Lillie said...

Monica, My heart aches for you, but you are stronger than you think you are. And - don't get all upset now. Enjoy your time with Mark and don't think about when he will be gone - until he is. Then, you will fall apart for a little bit,then pick yourself right back up and take care of little Abbie, because she needs you. I know you need Mark, but, he will be home before you know it. Just keep yourself busy with friends and "things" and you'll make it just fine. I will pray for you and when Mark leaves, I will pray harder. Love you all.

Elsbit said...

I feel for you, not just on the Betsy situation but definitely on the Mark one as well. I find myself wishing I had kept the pen pal letters she I did in Middle school when she went and stayed with her dad and I was upset when I couldn't find my emails from her on facebook. I think they got lost when facebook changed over or something. We weren't close, but I wish I had these things to reread rather than going to her facebook page (what I am looking for there I don't know). sighs.

Sorry, tangent there. :) There are so many things up in the air, but I would love to try to visit you when Mark is gone so you have some company. We commend our military so often, but people tend to forget to commend their families who put up with so much. We thank you too!

Brittany said...

I'm so sorry to hear that about your friend. that is just aweful.

About Mark deploying, don't expect it to be easy, but I know you will be okay for the same reasons your other friend mentioned. I know you will have sad days, but you will also have happy days. Plus, it should be nice when Mark gets home because he will be home for a while. I think you are really going to learn a lot about yourself while he's gone, and I think that's a blessing that military spouses get. So many women live their whole marriages being with their husbands all the time, every day... we do not! In some ways I think it has really strengthened mine and Michael's marriage. I guess that's just one of my ways that I like to look at the bad and make it good. Plus I know you will make more money, so you can afford more of whatever you want, or just save more or whatever... more money is really nice. Also, when you file your taxes the tax free will seriously make a difference. For our taxes in 2008, we only paid taxes on like $25,000 since Michael was deployed for over 8 months during the year. (do you even have to pay taxes while you live in Italy?)

I hope you meet some great friends over in Italy! One of the ladies I know here lived in a different area than you did, i think she lived in southern Italy somewhere. Anyway, she still sees what she calls her "Italian Family". She is very close to an Italian family and they travel to see each other all the time. I know I wouldn't be able to make it here while Michael is home or gone without all my great friends that I have made. Just try to remain positive. I always ask God for help when the bad thoughts enter my mind, and He always does!